Archive for the ‘funnies’ Category

30
Apr

Irish Humour.

 A married Irishman went into the  confessional and said to his priest, “I
almost had an affair with  another woman.”
The priest said, “What do you mean,  almost?”
The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed  together, but then
I stopped.”
 The priest said, “Rubbing  together is the same as putting it in. You’re
not to see that woman  again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and
put a‚ £50 in the poor  box.”
 The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and  then walked
over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then  started to leave. The
priest, who was watching, quickly ran  over to him saying, “I saw that.
You didn’t put any money in the poor  box!”
The Irishman replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the a‚ £50 on the  box, and
according to you, that’s the same as putting it  in!”
                                       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There once was a religious  young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she  said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned.”
The priest said,  “Confess your sins and be forgiven.”
The young woman said, “Last  night my boyfriend made mad passionate love
to me seven  times..”
The priest thought long and hard and then said, “Squeeze  seven lemons
into a glass and then drink the juice.”
The  young woman asked, “Will this cleanse me of my sins?”
The priest  said, “No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.” 

                                       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
 A man  was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was
sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful.”
Then he fell asleep again. His wife had  never heard him say that
before, so she stayed by his side. A few  minutes later his eyes
fluttered open and he said, “You’re  cute.”
The wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful,”  it was now “cute.”
She asked, “What happened to  beautiful?”
The man replied, “The drugs are wearing  off.”

                                     *************************
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
asked, “Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor
creature?”
Father Patrick replied, “I’m afraid not; we cannot  have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the  lane, and
there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for  the
creature.”
Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away  Father. Do ya ‘think a‚ euro 5,000 is
enough to donate to them for  the service?”
Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of  Jesus! Why didn’t ya
tell me the dog was Catholic?
                                          ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues: Man: “I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many  children, grandchildren,
and great grandchildren. Yesterday,  I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, 
where I had sex with each of them three times.”
Priest:  “Are you sorry for your sins?”
Man: “What sins?”
Priest: “What kind of a Catholic are you?”
Man: “I’m  Jewish.”
Priest: “Why are you telling me all  this?”
Man: “I’m 92 years old …. I’m telling  everybody.”

                                     *****************************

17
Apr

Symptoms of being over 25

SYMPTOMS OF BEING OVER 25
1. You leave clubs before the end to ‘beat the rush’. (worse still you don’t go to the clubs)
2. You get more excited about having a roast on a Sunday than going clubbing the night before.
3. You stop dreaming of becoming a professional footballer and start dreaming of having a son who might instead.
4. Before throwing the local paper away, you look through the property section. MyHome.ie and Daft.ie are your favourite websites.
5. All of a sudden, middle aged people are not 46, they are only 46.
6. Before going out anywhere, you ask whether there is anywhere to park.
7. Rather than throw a knackered pair of runners out, you keep them because they’ll be
alright for around the house jobs.
8. You buy T-shirts without anything written on them.
9. When visiting home for the weekend, you head to the local pub/nightclub and are genuinely shocked to see people you can remember being born or have babysat make up half of the pubs/clubs patrons.
10. You worry about your parents’ health.
11. Your parents start to have a life of their own and go on more holidays/social events than you do.
12 . You have more disposable income, but everything you want or need to buy costs between
200 and 500 quid.
13. You actually start to pay off the balance on your credit card as it falls due.
14. You don’t get funny looks when you buy a Disney video as the sales assistant assumes they are for your children. You are buying these things for your friend’s child.
15. Pop music all starts to sound the same and you haven’t a baldy who or what the latest pop sensations or boy bands are.
16. Oxegen is waaay too young. Electric Picnic is the way forward, far less packed and a lot more comfort. Comfort is now important.
15.On a long night out, you opt for Milanos over a quick take away because they do a really nice half-bottle of house red.
16. You always have enough milk and toilet paper in, and your house is always relatively clean and tidy.
17 . To compensate for the fact that you have little desire to go clubbing, you instead frequent trendy bars and restaurants in the mistaken belief that you have not turned into your parents.
18 . While flicking through the TV channels, you happen upon RTE’s Would You Believe. You get drawn in. You remember being there when events are shown on Reeling Back the Years.
19 . The benefits of a pension scheme become clear. You pay for your own VHI.
20. You go out of your way to pick up a colour chart from Woodies .
21 . You wish you had a shed.
22 . You have a shed.
23. You start considering doing stuff because its good for you, like eating healthily and walking places for the sake of walking not just to get from
A to B.
24 . You actually find yourself saying ‘They don’t make ‘em like that anymore’ and ‘I remember when there were only 2 TV channels’ and ‘Not in my day….’
25 . Pat Kenny has some really interesting guests on the Late Late and you consider texting in a comment. ( FYI If you actually do, then you should be ticking the 40-50 age category).
26 . Instead of tutting at old people who take ages to get off the bus, you tut at rowdy school children.
27. You find yourself having discussions with your friends that when we were young, before all this Celtic Tiger lark we actually appreciated when we were given things from our parents and indeed we worked for what we got….while the young ones these days haven’t a clue. (You really believe this).
28. Going to 21st’s is a distant memory and if you do have to go to one its an irritation, in fact, your social calendar is taken up with 30th’s, Weddings and Christenings.
29 You chose pubs where you can get a “nice seat for the night” over packed loud places.
30. Girls start to see the benefit of bringing a spare pair of flats in their handbag for the end of the night for sore feet. Barefoot walking on the path is now insane!
31 . You find yourself saying ‘is it cold in here or is it just me
32 . You understand the above and forward it to your fellow aging friends.

17
Apr

Keith on mans logic!!

I received a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend this morning who called ‘out-of-the-blue’ to see if I was still around.
We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together. I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that ‘old magic’. ‘Wow!’ I was flabbergasted.
‘I don’t know if I could keep pace with you now’, I said, ‘I’m a bit older and a bit grayer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus I don’t really have the energy I used to have.’
She just giggled and said she was sure I would ‘rise to the challenge’
‘Yeah.’ I said. ‘Just so long as you don’t mind a waistline that’s a few inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone…everything is sagging, my teeth are a bit yellowed and I am developing jowls like a Great Dane!’
She laughed and told me to stop being so silly. She teased me saying that tubby, gray-haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover. Anyway, she giggled and said, ‘I’ve put on a few pounds myself!’
So I told her to f*ck off!!!!

1
Mar

Funniest Homer Simpson Quotes

Listen to me now Dammit!! “” I want LIBERTY!! OR ..ooooOOO a jelly donut mmmm ”

 Operator! Give me the number for 911!
Oh, so they have internet on computers now!
Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!
Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand.
I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.
Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They’re about to announce the lottery numbers.
Well, it’s 1 a.m. Better go home and spend some quality time with the kids.
Maybe, just once, someone will call me ‘Sir’ without adding, ‘You’re making a scene.’
Marge, don’t discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.
Doughnuts. Is there anything they can’t do?
You know, boys, a nuclear reactor is a lot like a woman. You just have to read the manual and press the right buttons.
Lisa, if you don’t like your job you don’t strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way. 

29
Feb

Lee’s Thoughts…

  • If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?

  • If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?

  • If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
  • If you can’t drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

  • If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?

  • If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

  • Why do the signs that say “Slow Children” have a picture of a running child?

  • Why do they call it “chili” if it’s hot?

  • Why is it that when you transport something by car, it’s called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it’s called cargo?

  • You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can’t they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

  • If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?

  • If cats and dogs didn’t have fur would we still pet them ?

28
Feb

So you’ve been drinking again…

An Irishman’s been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally says that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time, same result. He figures he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up. Once outside he stands up and falls flat on his face. So he decides to crawl the 4 blocks to his home and when he arrives at the door he stands up and falls flat on his face. He crawls through the door into his bedroom. When he reaches his bed he tries one more time to stand up. This time he manages to pull himself upright but he quickly falls right into bed and is sound asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

He awakens the next morning to his wife standing over him shouting at him. ‘So, you’ve been out drinking again!!’

‘What makes you say that?’ he asks as he puts on an innocent look.

‘The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.’

28
Feb

Matrimonial advice from a considerate husband..

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.
When you notice this, try not to yell at them.
Some are oversensitive, and there’s nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is Jeff. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Susie.

Since I retired several years ago, it has become necessary for Susie to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age.
I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts  dinner. I don’t yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men’s Grill at the club so eating out is not reasonable. I’m ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it’s not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won’t clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, boys, we take ‘em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won’t have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn’t hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I’m a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Susie. I’m not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older.

However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Sincerely, Jeff

EDITOR’S NOTE:

Jeff died suddenly on March 1 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing and a sledge hammer laying nearby.
His wife Susie was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 15 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Jeff somehow, without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

28
Feb

Jokes

Old man went to see the Doctor..he asks for some Viagra but specifies that he only needs a quarter at a time..
Doctor replies ” why on earth would you only take a quarter, it just wouldn’t work”
Old man replies ” it will!!!! I just need it to rise a bit so I won’t keep pissing on me shoes!!!

24
Feb

Some Irish History….

I thought since St Patricks Day is on its way I would grace you all with a bit of Irish History :) My sis recently got into numerous debates and some turned out to be pretty heavy arguments about facts and truths of Irish history& facts!
One boring Sunday afternoon she decided to take a trip to Cyber Space..First Class of course Read on :) ….
——————————–
According to some historians, over 40% of all American presidents have had some Irish ancestry.

Saint Brendan is said to have discovered America 1,000 years before Columbus.

The Newgrange passage tomb in County Meath was constructed around 3200 BC, making it more than 600 years older than the Giza Pyramids in Egypt, and 1,000 years older than Stonehenge.

“Cemetery Sunday” is a lesser-known tradition still practiced around Ireland, although it seems to take place on whatever date is most convenient for local church leaders. A mass is celebrated for families of those buried in the local church graveyard, after which an effort is made over several days to clean up the churchyard. Special attention is traditionally given to the graves of those who have no one left among the living to remember them.

A single day of good weather that pops up in a long stretch of bad days is known in Ireland as a “pet day.”

“11th Night” is a celebration still widely observed by Protestant groups in northern Ireland, who build huge bonfires across the country on the night of July 11th. The fires are lit on the night before the July 12th commemoration of William of Orange’s defeat of King James, a Catholic, in 1690 in the Battle of the Boyne. The battle took place near Drogheda, north of Dublin.

IRELAND FACT: CRYING AT FUNERALS…”Keening” is the Irish version of loud crying at wakes practiced in several European cultures (Italy in particular). It involves wailing and expressing endearments in Gaelic to the deceased. At some wakes, the Keening goes on for hours, with many participants.


Famous wit Oscar Wilde was born Oscar Fingal O’Flahertie Wills Wilde in Dublin in 1854.
Bram Stoker was working as a civil servant in Dublin when he wrote “Dracula” in 1897.

In 1859, Irish scientist John Tyndall was the first to correctly explain why the sky is blue. The explanation may surprise you. The sun puts out a full spectrum of light colors – but your eyes are most sensitive to blue and red/purple colors. Molecules in the air scatter the sun’s blue light faster than they scatter its red light. A day-time sky without clouds looks blue because the sun is close to you, and relatively little of the blue light has been scattered. You see red and orange colors at sunset because the light must travel a greater distance to you, and all the blue light has been refracted away from your line of sight by the time the sun’s light hits you – not because of dust or other particles in the air as is widely believed.

Dublin was originally called “Dubh Linn,” which means “Black Pool.” The name refers to an ancient treacle lake in the city, which is now part of a penguin enclosure at the Dublin City Zoo.

A small number of devotees still go to holy wells in Ireland to “pay rounds,” by circling a well three times and making a sign of the cross over it with a pebble. All ceremonies at holy wells were once frowned upon by The Church, which saw them as holdovers from Ireland’s pagan era.

The Vikings founded Dublin in 988.

The lyrics to “Danny Boy” were allegedly written by an English barrister named Fred Weatherly, while he was riding on a commuter train.

The first three days of April are called the “Borrowed Days” and are traditionally associated with bad weather. This derives from an old legend where a mythical cow boasted about March being unable to kill her. The result was that March borrowed three days of terrible weather from April to try and finish the cow off.

Even Saint Patrick liked a tipple. It was once popular in Ireland to pin sprigs of shamrocks on your coat on Saint Patrick’s day in remembrance of his using shamrock leaves to illustrate the idea of the holy trinity. At the end of the day, one would “drown the shamrock” by putting a few shamrocks into a glass and covering them with whiskey.

The very first St. Patrick’s Day parade in America was hosted by the Charitable Irish Society of Boston in 1737.

Historians believe St. Patrick’s real name was “Maewyn Succat.”

“Gulliver’s Travels” writer Jonathan Swift is buried in St. Patrick’s Cathedral in Dublin.

In 1800, the population of Ireland was almost twice as large as that of the United States. By 2000, America’s population was about 60 times that of Ireland

IRELAND FACT: THE REAL FIRST SAINT OF EIRE…Ireland’s first saint was not Saint Patrick. He was Saint Abban, who went to preach in England during the 2nd century.

St. Patrick introduced the Roman alphabet and Latin literature into Ireland. After his death, Irish monasteries became Europe’s leading intellectual centers.

The national symbol of Ireland is the Celtic harp, not the shamrock.

St. Patrick had a very limited education, and is said to have been self-conscious about his weak writing skills.

In the days of sailing ships, Irish sea captains often carried pebbles from Scattery Island, the home of the Saint Cannera, the patron saint of sailors.

There are seven huge stone forts on the Aran Islands: Dun Aonghasa, Dun Ducathair, Dun Eoghanachta and Dun Eochla on Inishmore; Dun Chonchuir and Dun Fearbhai on Inishmaan, and Dun Formna on Inisheer. The preface “Dun” means “fort of a chieftain.”

Ireland was once densely forested, but was practically denuded of tree cover in the 17th century.

Kilkenny-born architect James Hoban designed the original White House in Washington after winning a competition sponsored by President George Washington and Secretary of State Thomas Jefferson in 1792. It’s said that Jefferson submitted his own design under a pseudonym but failed to take top prize. When the White House was burned by the British during the war of 1812, Hoban was called in to oversee a three-year-long restoration of the building.

Grace O’Malley, known as the “Queen of the Pirates,” commanded a ship with a crew of over 200 men off the west coast of Ireland the 1500’s. Read “Queen of the Pirates”

The tune of the “Star Spangled Banner” was composed by the great blind harper Turlough O’Carolan, who died about 35 years before the American revolution.

Medieval laws in Ireland allowed a man to divorce his wife if she damaged his honor through infidelity, thieving or “making a mess of everything.”

“Tallaght” in Dublin is an old name that means “The Plague cemetery.”

Killyleagh Castle, in County Down, Northern Ireland, is the oldest occupied castle in Ireland. Built in the 13th century, it is still in use as a private home.

According to tradition, a wedding party should always take the longest road home from church.

Ernest Shackleton, famed for his participation in the 1901-1904 Antarctic expedition across the Ross Ice Shelf, was born in Kilkee, County Clare.

The first American general to die in The Revolution was Richard Montgomery, who was born in Donegal.

Aran Island sweaters have a variety of “family weaves.” These were developed because when a fisherman drowned, his sweater would often be the only thing washed up on shore. The distinctive weave would tell a family their loved one had been lost.

ODD IRISH FACTS!!

Achill Island is the largest island off Ireland’s coast. It’s 56 miles square, with dramatic landscape featuring wild cliffs and moors.

The northern Spanish town of Santiago de Compostela is known as “el Dingle de Santiago” in memory of a journey that Irish religious pilgrims made there in medieval times.

Killary Bay, on the Mayo-Galway border, is the only true fjord in Ireland. A fjord is a long, narrow inlet from the sea between high slopes.

Ireland’s 15 principal railway stations are named after the leaders of the 1916 uprising.

An “An Fáinne” is a lapel pin, worn by some fluent Irish speakers to invite others to speak to them in the traditional language.

Director John Huston filmed the New Bedford, Massachusetts scenes in his 1956 movie “Moby Dick” in Youghal, County Cork.

Famed Hollywood movie director John Ford was born Sean O’Feeney in 1894, in Spiddal, County Galway.

The scenic “Wicklow Way” is the oldest and most popular hiking route in Ireland. Stretching from the Dublin suburb of Rathfarnham in a south-westerly direction toward the village of Clonegal, in County Carlow, the 25 year old public walking route is traversed by over 20,000 people each year.

James Joyce once called Guinness stout “the wine of Ireland.”

Ireland has virtually no coal deposits, even though it’s just 60 miles from Wales, one of the world’s richest coal fields.

Muhammad Ali has some Irish heritage. His great grandfather was born in Ennis, County Clare, and emigrated to Kentucky in the 1860s. There, he married an African-American woman. A son born to this couple also married and African-American woman, who gave birth to Ali’s mother, Odessa Grady. She married a man named Cassius Clay, and the two moved to Louisville, where the future champ was born.

Baileys Irish Cream which was launched in Ireland in the early seventies, is now the most popular liqueur in the world.

Louth is the smallest county in Ireland; Cork is the largest.

About 30% of the people in Australia are of Irish descent.

Ireland is the world’s only country with a musical instrument for a national symbol: the harp.

It’s not the custom in Ireland to wear green ties, hats or other green clothes on St. Patrick’s Day. A sprig of shamrock in the coat lapel is the preferred display.

One old Irish superstition holds that May is an unlucky month to get married in, because of its association with the Virgin Mary. This superstition seems to have lost its power, however, since May is now one of the most popular wedding months for Irish people.

The Irish tricolor flag, created in 1848, was designed to reflect the country’s political realities. Orange stands for Irish Protestants, green for Irish Catholics and the white stripe for the hope that peace might eventually be reached between them.

The tallest identical twins ever born were the Knipe Brothers from Magherafelt in County Derry who were 7ft 2in. They were born in 1761.

Ireland’s highest mountain is Carrantouhill, in County Kerry (3,445 feet).

Trinity College in Dublin, which happens to be Ireland’s oldest university, has famous alumni including Oscar Wilde and Bram Stoker.

Pop singer Christina Aguilera’s mother is Irish-American.
 
Presidential contender Barack Obama’s maternal great, great, great grandfather Fulmuth Kearney came from Moneygall, in County Offaly. Mr. Kearney came to America in 1850.
Jaysus it’s a small world!!!!

23
Feb

Irish Leaving certs haha!

NORTHSIDE LEAVING CERTMATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS
IN THE NORTHSIDE OF DUBLIN

NAME _________________________

NICK-NAME ____________________

GANG NAME ____________________

1. Deco has 0.5 kilos of cocaine. If he sells an 8 ball to Vinno for 300 Euro and 90 grams to Tomo for 90 Euro a gram,what is the street value of the rest of his hold?

3. Whacker wants to cut the kilo of cocaine he bought for 7,000 Euro, to make a 20% profit. How many grams of strychnine will he need?

4. Christy got 6 years for murder. He also got ?350,000 for the hit. If his
common law wife spends ?33,100 per month, how much money will be left when he gets out of the ‘Joy?

Extra Credit Bonus: How much more time will Christy get for killing the
slapper that spent his money?

5. If an average can of spray paint covers 22 square metres and the average
letter is 1 square metre, how many letters can be sprayed with an eight fluid ounce can of spray paint with 20% extra paint free?

6. Liamo steals Eamo’s skateboard. As Liamo skates away at a speed of 35 mph, Eamo loads his brother’s gun. If it takes Eamo 20 seconds to load the gun, how far will Liamo have travelled when he gets whacked?

***

SOUTH SIDE LEAVING CERT

MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS
IN THE SOUTHSIDE OF DUBLIN

NAME______________________________
________________________
______________________________ ____
_________________________
__________________________________
_________________________
__________________________________
_________________________
__________________________________
_________________________
__________________(if longer, please request extra paper)

SCHOOL____________________

DADDY’S COMPANY___________

1. Julian smashes up the old man’s car, causing x amount of damage and
killing three people. The old man asks his local TD to intervene in the court system, then forges his insurance claim and receives a payment of y. The difference between x and y is three times the life insurance settlement for the three dead people. What kind of car is Julian driving now?

2. Chloe’s personal shopper decides to substitute generic and own-brand
products for the designer goods favoured by her employer. In the course of a
month she saves the price of a return ticket to Fiji and Chloe doesn’t even
notice the difference. Is she thick or what?

3. Roly fancies the arse off a certain number of birds, but he only has
enough Rohypnol left to render 33.3% unconscious. If he has 14 Rohypnol, how is he ever going to shag the other two-thirds?

4. If Savannah throws up four times a day for a week she can fit a size 8
Versace. If she only throws up three times a day for two weeks, she has to make do with a size 10 Dolce et Gabbano. How much does liposuction cost?

5. If Ross shouts Affluence 5 many times from the car window how many high fives is he due?
***
COUNTRY LEAVING CERT

MATHS TEST FOR SECONDARY SCHOOLS
OUTSIDE DUBLIN

Name: Paddy/Mary (circle one)

1. If Paddy Joe Murphy drove a Massey Ferguson through PaddyJohn’s turnip
crop at 10miles an hour. What colour was Paddy John’s tractor?

2. If John Joe likes Mary and Mary likes Paddy, how much is a pint of stout
in O’Brien’s at the crossroads?

3. Paddy Joe Mahoney has 25 sheep, 10 cows, 12 hens, a cockerel and 6 geese. John Joe has 12 sheep, 18 cows and 12 pigs. How much does Paddy Joe offer to John Joe for a dowry for Mary?

4. If it takes Sarah Jane 40 minutes to cycle 12 miles to O’Brien’s on the
crossroads for the ceilidh and it takes Mary Murphy 40 minutes to walk 2 miles
to O’Brien’s, which girl will end up in John Joe’s hay barn?

5. If Paddy Joe’s prize hen can lay 4 eggs every morning and his other hens
can lay only two each the odd morning, which one will he have for Sunday dinner?

just me