There once was a religious  young woman who went to Confession. Upon
entering the confessional, she  said, “Forgive me, Father, for I have
sinned.”
The priest said,  “Confess your sins and be forgiven.”
The young woman said, “Last  night my boyfriend made mad passionate love
to me seven  times..”
The priest thought long and hard and then said, “Squeeze  seven lemons
into a glass and then drink the juice.”
The  young woman asked, “Will this cleanse me of my sins?”
The priest  said, “No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.” 

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 A man  was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was
sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful.”
Then he fell asleep again. His wife had  never heard him say that
before, so she stayed by his side. A few  minutes later his eyes
fluttered open and he said, “You’re  cute.”
The wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful,”  it was now “cute.”
She asked, “What happened to  beautiful?”
The man replied, “The drugs are wearing  off.”

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Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for
company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and
asked, “Father, my dog is dead. Could ya’ be saying’ a mass for the poor
creature?”
Father Patrick replied, “I’m afraid not; we cannot  have services for an
animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the  lane, and
there’s no tellin’ what they believe. Maybe they’ll do something for  the
creature.”
Muldoon said, “I’ll go right away  Father. Do ya ‘think a‚ euro 5,000 is
enough to donate to them for  the service?”
Father Patrick exclaimed, “Sweet Mary, Mother of  Jesus! Why didn’t ya
tell me the dog was Catholic?
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An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation
ensues: Man: “I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many  children, grandchildren,
and great grandchildren. Yesterday,  I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, 
where I had sex with each of them three times.”
Priest:  “Are you sorry for your sins?”
Man: “What sins?”
Priest: “What kind of a Catholic are you?”
Man: “I’m  Jewish.”
Priest: “Why are you telling me all  this?”
Man: “I’m 92 years old …. I’m telling  everybody.”

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